April 21, 2016

It’s hard to go back there

To remember that day

I made a choice

To take my life away

 

Sitting at that table

Outside the restaurant

You asked if I was okay

The perfect question for my mental state

 

“Not really” I said

Before I broke down

“I took a bottle of pills on the way to the house”

I saw your heart break

Through the veil of tears streaming down my face

 

I remember the sewer drain

“This bottle? You’re sure it was this bottle?”

The paramedics laughed when I said yes

Because “You know those won’t kill you, right?”

 

You called my big brother

He didn’t know what to say

Our friends showed up next

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

I’ll never forget the ambulance lights

Reflecting off the windows of that place

The group of people in the parking lot

Watching me as I was lead away

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Do You Really Know?

I don’t wanna cut

But I feel like I need it

To make me somewhat happy

Or at least feel alive

Why do I feel this way?

Why can’t I be normal?

 

I want to calm down

I want to talk to someone

But I don’t know how

My anxiety takes over

And my mind just shuts down

 

I feel like I’m drowning

With my feet on solid ground

I want my life to end

But I’m not ready for goodbye

 

Is this all that life is?

Constant pain and darkness

Is there more than broken feelings

And the need to be alone?

 

Are people actually happy

Or is it all for show?

Do you feel alive?

Do you really know?

Breath

Take a minute

Take a breath

Look at your life

Are you satisfied?

 

Do you love

What you do?

Or do you do

What you must?

 

Is your life

Like a dream?

Full of happy

Beautiful things?

 

Do you feel

Like you’re worth

The time you have

Upon this earth?

 

Do you fill

The world with joy

Through your smile

And happy hugs?

 

Or do you feel

The opposite

And wish to change

The life you live?

 

Do you hate

Those who hurt you

In the past

Or by mistake?

 

Is your life

A nightmare

With sleepless nights

Full of tears?

 

Do you feel

The emptiness

Of apathy

And loneliness?

 

Do you fill

The world with pain

Through your refusal

To change your ways?

 

Is this what

Your life looks like?

Either way

It is your choice.

 

Now breathe out

And make your choice

A happy world

Or sad demise?

The Cycle

It’s always the simplest things that set it off. Today it was merely scratching my leg. No big deal, just a simple itch. But I wanted so much more. I wanted to run something much sharper than my fingernails down the side of my leg.

That brief feeling of pain was all it took. I wanted so much more. It hinted at that amazing feeling that I knew lied with sharp objects.

The pain brought clarity. A moment when the world and your mind stop screaming. For no more than ten seconds all the pain, anger, and sadness is gone. All there is is pain.

The whole world is reduced to one simple feeling. A base emotion. Nothing complex or heavy. Merely pain.

Pain is human. It’s natural. Or so I try to tell myself.

The problem is the pain never lasts long. So you need to cut again. And then there’s ten more seconds of clarity.

But that fades as well. So you cut again and again, hoping to keep that feeling forever but it never lasts.

And you look down and there’s blood everywhere. And then it starts to sting. And you wonder if you did too much this time. You refuse to believe that and just soak up more of the pain.

For the next few days the slightest movement causes a beautiful agony. But that to starts to fade. And you need a fresh cut to keep moving. Fresh pain to push you through the day.

And so the cycle continues.

Scars

My scars are my story

they tell the tale of all the battles I have fought within my mind

they show the choices I have made

the choice to survive however I had too

the decision not to give up

each scar was a choice

the debate between stopping or continuing

between going deeper or settling for a scratch

digging for the vein or being satisfied with a few droplets of life-giving red

 

my scars show my pain

and how much it affected me

they show how far I’ve come

and how far I still have to go

 

I may have scars

more than I can count

some fading into my past

some signs of recent battles

but I am still here

and my scars do not own me

they don’t define me

they are not me

they are merely a part of my story

 

I will never be ashamed of my scars

they show who I am

a warrior

a fighter

a survivor

Truly Living

She wanted to be the one

The one you called

The one you trusted

The one who saved you

But she’s human

She failed you once

You won’t let her

Do it to you again

After the life you’ve lived

After the pain you’ve felt

You won’t trust again

You won’t let yourself be okay

Because being okay

Means letting go

Of all the memories

From long, long ago

The memories that keep you

From going insane

Because they remind you

Of truly living