Do You Really Know?

I don’t wanna cut

But I feel like I need it

To make me somewhat happy

Or at least feel alive

Why do I feel this way?

Why can’t I be normal?

 

I want to calm down

I want to talk to someone

But I don’t know how

My anxiety takes over

And my mind just shuts down

 

I feel like I’m drowning

With my feet on solid ground

I want my life to end

But I’m not ready for goodbye

 

Is this all that life is?

Constant pain and darkness

Is there more than broken feelings

And the need to be alone?

 

Are people actually happy

Or is it all for show?

Do you feel alive?

Do you really know?

The Cycle

It’s always the simplest things that set it off. Today it was merely scratching my leg. No big deal, just a simple itch. But I wanted so much more. I wanted to run something much sharper than my fingernails down the side of my leg.

That brief feeling of pain was all it took. I wanted so much more. It hinted at that amazing feeling that I knew lied with sharp objects.

The pain brought clarity. A moment when the world and your mind stop screaming. For no more than ten seconds all the pain, anger, and sadness is gone. All there is is pain.

The whole world is reduced to one simple feeling. A base emotion. Nothing complex or heavy. Merely pain.

Pain is human. It’s natural. Or so I try to tell myself.

The problem is the pain never lasts long. So you need to cut again. And then there’s ten more seconds of clarity.

But that fades as well. So you cut again and again, hoping to keep that feeling forever but it never lasts.

And you look down and there’s blood everywhere. And then it starts to sting. And you wonder if you did too much this time. You refuse to believe that and just soak up more of the pain.

For the next few days the slightest movement causes a beautiful agony. But that to starts to fade. And you need a fresh cut to keep moving. Fresh pain to push you through the day.

And so the cycle continues.

Scars

My scars are my story

they tell the tale of all the battles I have fought within my mind

they show the choices I have made

the choice to survive however I had too

the decision not to give up

each scar was a choice

the debate between stopping or continuing

between going deeper or settling for a scratch

digging for the vein or being satisfied with a few droplets of life-giving red

 

my scars show my pain

and how much it affected me

they show how far I’ve come

and how far I still have to go

 

I may have scars

more than I can count

some fading into my past

some signs of recent battles

but I am still here

and my scars do not own me

they don’t define me

they are not me

they are merely a part of my story

 

I will never be ashamed of my scars

they show who I am

a warrior

a fighter

a survivor

Apathy

Apathy

~

The feeling of not feeling

An emptiness in your chest

~

The loneliness of your mind

The broken pieces of your heart

~

It’s all consuming

This lack of feeling

~

Your empty head

Overwhelms you

~

Your shattered heart

Drowns you

~

You wish for pain

To take the emptiness away

~

You long to bleed

To prove you’re alive

~

You wish for hope

You wish for love

~

You wish for more

But you find nothing

The Effects of Words

She never thought she would end up where she was. A mental hospital was not very high on her list of places where she wanted to live in the future. She still craved the one thing she could not have. Although she had been in counseling for a month, she still needed it. She did not want to hurt herself, but her body craved it. The delicious feeling of control mixed with the tinge of freedom was what she needed, yet she would continue to deny herself until the urge went away. All she could do now was look back on the past and try to move on with her future.

It was hard for her to believe it had only been a month since she last tried to kill herself. She had been found by her mother in her bedroom with a bloody razor and a note. The day had started out normally enough. She had woken up and felt the need for physical pain to fill the void left by her lack of emotion. She needed the physical pain to feel anything at all. Her day had been long and filled with disappointment. Understandably, she could not wait to get home. When she walked into her room, she saw her mother using her laptop. At this point, her laptop was the only thing that kept her going. Shocked her mother had violated her privacy in such a way, she could not understand what her mother was screaming at her. The few words she made out were, “crazy” and “where did I go wrong.”

Her mother took her laptop away and left for work. She immediately went for her razor. Her mind kept going over those words. She was crazy. The world would be better without her craziness. She did not know what else she could do. Her control spiraled away after this. Perhaps it was a miracle her mother forgot something that day because it allowed her mother to find her. If her mother had been five minutes later she would not be alive.

This was not the first incident. It was the first her mother had seen what she did to herself, but not the first time she had gone a little too far. It had been at least a year before this incident. She had been in math class, which had always been her worst subject. The students had a test, and she had tried so hard to do well. She got her test results a week later. Her teacher called her aside after class to talk to her. Unfortunately, she had failed again. All the teacher could say was, “You are very intelligent, but you are useless unless you apply yourself.”

The only word that stuck in her mind was useless. Perhaps she was a useless addition to the world. Maybe everyone would be better off without her here, taking up space with her uselessness. Before she knew it, she was sitting in her car with her dear friend, her razor. Her arm was red before she could even think. Silver gleamed as she took out her frustration on her arm. She did not remember passing out nor waking up. When she woke up, she knew she had gone too far. She swore to herself it was the last time she would do this. Those promises never lasted long.

All of this stemmed from her first incident. The incident stuck in her mind, never fading or changing. She was only thirteen the first time she cut herself, and it was because of the first boy she had a crush on. It was a one of the guys in her history class. She told her best friend who she had a crush on, and her best friend swore she would never tell anyone. Her friend asked the guy she liked if he thought she was pretty. He said she was ugly because of the color of her hair. She could forgive him for being shallow, yet she could not forgive her best friend for what her best friend did next. Her best friend told the guy she liked that she had a crush on him. She got a text from him asking if she liked him. Immediately, she knew her friend had betrayed her. She was beyond destroyed on the inside. It was the first time she let herself trust a person, and the person betrayed her.

All she wanted was to escape her emotional pain. Her emotions spiraled out of control. Pain became her life. She focused on the word ugly. No one would ever like her because she was ugly. She never let go of her emotional pain. She merely masked it with her physical pain. She never talked to anyone. Refusing to make new friends, she lost herself in pain.

Looking back, she can not help but feel stupid. It was just a stupid boy, she tried to tell herself although it was so much more than a simple boy. It was the feeling of not belonging anywhere or being in control of any aspect of her life. Betrayal was something she could not get over. It destroyed her trust in the world. She longed for some form of control, and she received it. She never imagined her control would take control of her.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday, honey

Let’s sit down and talk

I heard about a bridge

Tell me what you thought

 

She called me quite hysterically

She thought you would be dead

So tell me how it started

Let me in your head

 

I want you to see my counselor

He’s of the spiritual type

And lets talk to a doctor

To get something prescribed

 

You say it started years ago?

Nobody touched you, right?

Well let me tell you my sad tale

To get you on my side

 

You have some scars on your arms

You know that’s normal, right?

Your mind is just a bit unbalanced

Someday, you’ll be fine

 

I know you feel you hate me now

But I can take your hate

I just want you to feel better

I’ll do whatever it will take

 

I should’ve waited til tomorrow

I ruined your birthday

I won’t give up on you

I love you, my baby

 

The sad part is it was great

An almost perfect day

I wish you would’ve stayed away

Happy birthday to me

Hide

She was a beauty queen

Who had everything

A perfect life

A brand new car

The man who every girl

Longed for within her heart

 

Her smile was bright

With the light of her pain

Her body was covered

With small red cuts

A sign of her shame

 

Her mind was hungry

For something more

Her heart was longing

For someone to love

 

She never felt

Like she belonged

She wanted a life

That was long gone

 

Her hope she swore

Would never fade

But every day

She felt less okay

 

No one saw

The pain inside

They only saw

What she didn’t hide