Society

Look in the mirror

Don’t like what you see

Decide to change

Become like everybody

Learn how to use

Makeup to change

What people see

Slowly becoming

More mainsteam

Day by day

Stop eating food

Need to be a size 2

Get your weight down

Your head in the clouds

Start drinking beer

Want to fit in

Can’t stop it now

Because you’re addicted

Learn how to fuck

Does it feel good?

Don’t really care

As long as someone’s there

Now you’re all broken

But at least you fit in

The world is your playground

But you no longer care

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Breath

Take a minute

Take a breath

Look at your life

Are you satisfied?

 

Do you love

What you do?

Or do you do

What you must?

 

Is your life

Like a dream?

Full of happy

Beautiful things?

 

Do you feel

Like you’re worth

The time you have

Upon this earth?

 

Do you fill

The world with joy

Through your smile

And happy hugs?

 

Or do you feel

The opposite

And wish to change

The life you live?

 

Do you hate

Those who hurt you

In the past

Or by mistake?

 

Is your life

A nightmare

With sleepless nights

Full of tears?

 

Do you feel

The emptiness

Of apathy

And loneliness?

 

Do you fill

The world with pain

Through your refusal

To change your ways?

 

Is this what

Your life looks like?

Either way

It is your choice.

 

Now breathe out

And make your choice

A happy world

Or sad demise?

The Effects of Words

She never thought she would end up where she was. A mental hospital was not very high on her list of places where she wanted to live in the future. She still craved the one thing she could not have. Although she had been in counseling for a month, she still needed it. She did not want to hurt herself, but her body craved it. The delicious feeling of control mixed with the tinge of freedom was what she needed, yet she would continue to deny herself until the urge went away. All she could do now was look back on the past and try to move on with her future.

It was hard for her to believe it had only been a month since she last tried to kill herself. She had been found by her mother in her bedroom with a bloody razor and a note. The day had started out normally enough. She had woken up and felt the need for physical pain to fill the void left by her lack of emotion. She needed the physical pain to feel anything at all. Her day had been long and filled with disappointment. Understandably, she could not wait to get home. When she walked into her room, she saw her mother using her laptop. At this point, her laptop was the only thing that kept her going. Shocked her mother had violated her privacy in such a way, she could not understand what her mother was screaming at her. The few words she made out were, “crazy” and “where did I go wrong.”

Her mother took her laptop away and left for work. She immediately went for her razor. Her mind kept going over those words. She was crazy. The world would be better without her craziness. She did not know what else she could do. Her control spiraled away after this. Perhaps it was a miracle her mother forgot something that day because it allowed her mother to find her. If her mother had been five minutes later she would not be alive.

This was not the first incident. It was the first her mother had seen what she did to herself, but not the first time she had gone a little too far. It had been at least a year before this incident. She had been in math class, which had always been her worst subject. The students had a test, and she had tried so hard to do well. She got her test results a week later. Her teacher called her aside after class to talk to her. Unfortunately, she had failed again. All the teacher could say was, “You are very intelligent, but you are useless unless you apply yourself.”

The only word that stuck in her mind was useless. Perhaps she was a useless addition to the world. Maybe everyone would be better off without her here, taking up space with her uselessness. Before she knew it, she was sitting in her car with her dear friend, her razor. Her arm was red before she could even think. Silver gleamed as she took out her frustration on her arm. She did not remember passing out nor waking up. When she woke up, she knew she had gone too far. She swore to herself it was the last time she would do this. Those promises never lasted long.

All of this stemmed from her first incident. The incident stuck in her mind, never fading or changing. She was only thirteen the first time she cut herself, and it was because of the first boy she had a crush on. It was a one of the guys in her history class. She told her best friend who she had a crush on, and her best friend swore she would never tell anyone. Her friend asked the guy she liked if he thought she was pretty. He said she was ugly because of the color of her hair. She could forgive him for being shallow, yet she could not forgive her best friend for what her best friend did next. Her best friend told the guy she liked that she had a crush on him. She got a text from him asking if she liked him. Immediately, she knew her friend had betrayed her. She was beyond destroyed on the inside. It was the first time she let herself trust a person, and the person betrayed her.

All she wanted was to escape her emotional pain. Her emotions spiraled out of control. Pain became her life. She focused on the word ugly. No one would ever like her because she was ugly. She never let go of her emotional pain. She merely masked it with her physical pain. She never talked to anyone. Refusing to make new friends, she lost herself in pain.

Looking back, she can not help but feel stupid. It was just a stupid boy, she tried to tell herself although it was so much more than a simple boy. It was the feeling of not belonging anywhere or being in control of any aspect of her life. Betrayal was something she could not get over. It destroyed her trust in the world. She longed for some form of control, and she received it. She never imagined her control would take control of her.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday, honey

Let’s sit down and talk

I heard about a bridge

Tell me what you thought

 

She called me quite hysterically

She thought you would be dead

So tell me how it started

Let me in your head

 

I want you to see my counselor

He’s of the spiritual type

And lets talk to a doctor

To get something prescribed

 

You say it started years ago?

Nobody touched you, right?

Well let me tell you my sad tale

To get you on my side

 

You have some scars on your arms

You know that’s normal, right?

Your mind is just a bit unbalanced

Someday, you’ll be fine

 

I know you feel you hate me now

But I can take your hate

I just want you to feel better

I’ll do whatever it will take

 

I should’ve waited til tomorrow

I ruined your birthday

I won’t give up on you

I love you, my baby

 

The sad part is it was great

An almost perfect day

I wish you would’ve stayed away

Happy birthday to me

Island

There was chaos all around her

The constant motion of living beings

Alone in her own world

She felt like she lived on an island

A place unknown to the world

Very few had every ventured onto it’s shores

And no one lived there anymore

~

Her isolation grew

Because she refused to pursue

The care of people who didn’t

She would not succumb

To the overwhelming storm

The need to behave

Like sheep in a herd

She would stay by herself

On her island she would remain

~

But slowly she died

Of her own apathy

And refusal to think

“The world needs me”

Her body decayed

As her mind took it’s toll

Alone on her island

Unknown by the world

~

But she couldn’t see

Or wouldn’t believe

The walls that she built

Were all crumbling

And the people outside

Were trying to save

The girl who survived

Away from real life

Alone on her island

~

When the walls were all gone

Her kingdom exposed

A land of remorse

And should have done more

The people all asked

“Why they hadn’t seen”

And everyone said

“She was so close to me”

But it was too late for her

Her body would lay

Til the end of all days

Alone on her island

Before

Someone take the pain away

It’s ending my life

I see something bright ahead

The light of the end

 

Your face

Drowned in tears

Wishing I was still here

Before we learned the truth

 

Life doesn’t mean happiness

Dreams don’t come true

Love doesn’t mean forgiveness

 

Which is why

You watch me die

You left me that night

Cold and alone

 

You said goodbye

And walked out the door

My eyes drowned in tears

You didn’t care

 

I gave you my heart

And you left it there

So now I’m gone

 

Never to hear

About you

Again