April 21, 2016

It’s hard to go back there

To remember that day

I made a choice

To take my life away


Sitting at that table

Outside the restaurant

You asked if I was okay

The perfect question for my mental state


“Not really” I said

Before I broke down

“I took a bottle of pills on the way to the house”

I saw your heart break

Through the veil of tears streaming down my face


I remember the sewer drain

“This bottle? You’re sure it was this bottle?”

The paramedics laughed when I said yes

Because “You know those won’t kill you, right?”


You called my big brother

He didn’t know what to say

Our friends showed up next

“Why didn’t you say anything?”


I’ll never forget the ambulance lights

Reflecting off the windows of that place

The group of people in the parking lot

Watching me as I was lead away



Look in the mirror

Don’t like what you see

Decide to change

Become like everybody

Learn how to use

Makeup to change

What people see

Slowly becoming

More mainsteam

Day by day

Stop eating food

Need to be a size 2

Get your weight down

Your head in the clouds

Start drinking beer

Want to fit in

Can’t stop it now

Because you’re addicted

Learn how to fuck

Does it feel good?

Don’t really care

As long as someone’s there

Now you’re all broken

But at least you fit in

The world is your playground

But you no longer care




The feeling of not feeling

An emptiness in your chest


The loneliness of your mind

The broken pieces of your heart


It’s all consuming

This lack of feeling


Your empty head

Overwhelms you


Your shattered heart

Drowns you


You wish for pain

To take the emptiness away


You long to bleed

To prove you’re alive


You wish for hope

You wish for love


You wish for more

But you find nothing


She was a beauty queen

Who had everything

A perfect life

A brand new car

The man who every girl

Longed for within her heart


Her smile was bright

With the light of her pain

Her body was covered

With small red cuts

A sign of her shame


Her mind was hungry

For something more

Her heart was longing

For someone to love


She never felt

Like she belonged

She wanted a life

That was long gone


Her hope she swore

Would never fade

But every day

She felt less okay


No one saw

The pain inside

They only saw

What she didn’t hide


Someone take the pain away

It’s ending my life

I see something bright ahead

The light of the end


Your face

Drowned in tears

Wishing I was still here

Before we learned the truth


Life doesn’t mean happiness

Dreams don’t come true

Love doesn’t mean forgiveness


Which is why

You watch me die

You left me that night

Cold and alone


You said goodbye

And walked out the door

My eyes drowned in tears

You didn’t care


I gave you my heart

And you left it there

So now I’m gone


Never to hear

About you