It’s always the simplest things that set it off. Today it was merely scratching my leg. No big deal, just a simple itch. But I wanted so much more. I wanted to run something much sharper than my fingernails down the side of my leg.
That brief feeling of pain was all it took. I wanted so much more. It hinted at that amazing feeling that I knew lied with sharp objects.
The pain brought clarity. A moment when the world and your mind stop screaming. For no more than ten seconds all the pain, anger, and sadness is gone. All there is is pain.
The whole world is reduced to one simple feeling. A base emotion. Nothing complex or heavy. Merely pain.
Pain is human. It’s natural. Or so I try to tell myself.
The problem is the pain never lasts long. So you need to cut again. And then there’s ten more seconds of clarity.
But that fades as well. So you cut again and again, hoping to keep that feeling forever but it never lasts.
And you look down and there’s blood everywhere. And then it starts to sting. And you wonder if you did too much this time. You refuse to believe that and just soak up more of the pain.
For the next few days the slightest movement causes a beautiful agony. But that to starts to fade. And you need a fresh cut to keep moving. Fresh pain to push you through the day.
And so the cycle continues.