The Cycle

It’s always the simplest things that set it off. Today it was merely scratching my leg. No big deal, just a simple itch. But I wanted so much more. I wanted to run something much sharper than my fingernails down the side of my leg.

That brief feeling of pain was all it took. I wanted so much more. It hinted at that amazing feeling that I knew lied with sharp objects.

The pain brought clarity. A moment when the world and your mind stop screaming. For no more than ten seconds all the pain, anger, and sadness is gone. All there is is pain.

The whole world is reduced to one simple feeling. A base emotion. Nothing complex or heavy. Merely pain.

Pain is human. It’s natural. Or so I try to tell myself.

The problem is the pain never lasts long. So you need to cut again. And then there’s ten more seconds of clarity.

But that fades as well. So you cut again and again, hoping to keep that feeling forever but it never lasts.

And you look down and there’s blood everywhere. And then it starts to sting. And you wonder if you did too much this time. You refuse to believe that and just soak up more of the pain.

For the next few days the slightest movement causes a beautiful agony. But that to starts to fade. And you need a fresh cut to keep moving. Fresh pain to push you through the day.

And so the cycle continues.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday, honey

Let’s sit down and talk

I heard about a bridge

Tell me what you thought

 

She called me quite hysterically

She thought you would be dead

So tell me how it started

Let me in your head

 

I want you to see my counselor

He’s of the spiritual type

And lets talk to a doctor

To get something prescribed

 

You say it started years ago?

Nobody touched you, right?

Well let me tell you my sad tale

To get you on my side

 

You have some scars on your arms

You know that’s normal, right?

Your mind is just a bit unbalanced

Someday, you’ll be fine

 

I know you feel you hate me now

But I can take your hate

I just want you to feel better

I’ll do whatever it will take

 

I should’ve waited til tomorrow

I ruined your birthday

I won’t give up on you

I love you, my baby

 

The sad part is it was great

An almost perfect day

I wish you would’ve stayed away

Happy birthday to me