April 21, 2016

It’s hard to go back there

To remember that day

I made a choice

To take my life away

 

Sitting at that table

Outside the restaurant

You asked if I was okay

The perfect question for my mental state

 

“Not really” I said

Before I broke down

“I took a bottle of pills on the way to the house”

I saw your heart break

Through the veil of tears streaming down my face

 

I remember the sewer drain

“This bottle? You’re sure it was this bottle?”

The paramedics laughed when I said yes

Because “You know those won’t kill you, right?”

 

You called my big brother

He didn’t know what to say

Our friends showed up next

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

I’ll never forget the ambulance lights

Reflecting off the windows of that place

The group of people in the parking lot

Watching me as I was lead away

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Society

Look in the mirror

Don’t like what you see

Decide to change

Become like everybody

Learn how to use

Makeup to change

What people see

Slowly becoming

More mainsteam

Day by day

Stop eating food

Need to be a size 2

Get your weight down

Your head in the clouds

Start drinking beer

Want to fit in

Can’t stop it now

Because you’re addicted

Learn how to fuck

Does it feel good?

Don’t really care

As long as someone’s there

Now you’re all broken

But at least you fit in

The world is your playground

But you no longer care

Pray

You take a breath

Pray it gets you through

You hope today

Is not like before

`

You want to be

A different person

You wish and dream

Of happy tears instead of childhood fears

`

You want to sleep

Without the demons

You want to live

Without the feelings

`

You want to go

Without a plan

No return date

Or road map

`

Just leave the world

Far behind you

Leave the past

And all who knew you

`

Start all over

Try again

Pray today

Is not the end.

Island

There was chaos all around her

The constant motion of living beings

Alone in her own world

She felt like she lived on an island

A place unknown to the world

Very few had every ventured onto it’s shores

And no one lived there anymore

~

Her isolation grew

Because she refused to pursue

The care of people who didn’t

She would not succumb

To the overwhelming storm

The need to behave

Like sheep in a herd

She would stay by herself

On her island she would remain

~

But slowly she died

Of her own apathy

And refusal to think

“The world needs me”

Her body decayed

As her mind took it’s toll

Alone on her island

Unknown by the world

~

But she couldn’t see

Or wouldn’t believe

The walls that she built

Were all crumbling

And the people outside

Were trying to save

The girl who survived

Away from real life

Alone on her island

~

When the walls were all gone

Her kingdom exposed

A land of remorse

And should have done more

The people all asked

“Why they hadn’t seen”

And everyone said

“She was so close to me”

But it was too late for her

Her body would lay

Til the end of all days

Alone on her island