She never thought she would end up where she was. A mental hospital was not very high on her list of places where she wanted to live in the future. She still craved the one thing she could not have. Although she had been in counseling for a month, she still needed it. She did not want to hurt herself, but her body craved it. The delicious feeling of control mixed with the tinge of freedom was what she needed, yet she would continue to deny herself until the urge went away. All she could do now was look back on the past and try to move on with her future.
It was hard for her to believe it had only been a month since she last tried to kill herself. She had been found by her mother in her bedroom with a bloody razor and a note. The day had started out normally enough. She had woken up and felt the need for physical pain to fill the void left by her lack of emotion. She needed the physical pain to feel anything at all. Her day had been long and filled with disappointment. Understandably, she could not wait to get home. When she walked into her room, she saw her mother using her laptop. At this point, her laptop was the only thing that kept her going. Shocked her mother had violated her privacy in such a way, she could not understand what her mother was screaming at her. The few words she made out were, “crazy” and “where did I go wrong.”
Her mother took her laptop away and left for work. She immediately went for her razor. Her mind kept going over those words. She was crazy. The world would be better without her craziness. She did not know what else she could do. Her control spiraled away after this. Perhaps it was a miracle her mother forgot something that day because it allowed her mother to find her. If her mother had been five minutes later she would not be alive.
This was not the first incident. It was the first her mother had seen what she did to herself, but not the first time she had gone a little too far. It had been at least a year before this incident. She had been in math class, which had always been her worst subject. The students had a test, and she had tried so hard to do well. She got her test results a week later. Her teacher called her aside after class to talk to her. Unfortunately, she had failed again. All the teacher could say was, “You are very intelligent, but you are useless unless you apply yourself.”
The only word that stuck in her mind was useless. Perhaps she was a useless addition to the world. Maybe everyone would be better off without her here, taking up space with her uselessness. Before she knew it, she was sitting in her car with her dear friend, her razor. Her arm was red before she could even think. Silver gleamed as she took out her frustration on her arm. She did not remember passing out nor waking up. When she woke up, she knew she had gone too far. She swore to herself it was the last time she would do this. Those promises never lasted long.
All of this stemmed from her first incident. The incident stuck in her mind, never fading or changing. She was only thirteen the first time she cut herself, and it was because of the first boy she had a crush on. It was a one of the guys in her history class. She told her best friend who she had a crush on, and her best friend swore she would never tell anyone. Her friend asked the guy she liked if he thought she was pretty. He said she was ugly because of the color of her hair. She could forgive him for being shallow, yet she could not forgive her best friend for what her best friend did next. Her best friend told the guy she liked that she had a crush on him. She got a text from him asking if she liked him. Immediately, she knew her friend had betrayed her. She was beyond destroyed on the inside. It was the first time she let herself trust a person, and the person betrayed her.
All she wanted was to escape her emotional pain. Her emotions spiraled out of control. Pain became her life. She focused on the word ugly. No one would ever like her because she was ugly. She never let go of her emotional pain. She merely masked it with her physical pain. She never talked to anyone. Refusing to make new friends, she lost herself in pain.
Looking back, she can not help but feel stupid. It was just a stupid boy, she tried to tell herself although it was so much more than a simple boy. It was the feeling of not belonging anywhere or being in control of any aspect of her life. Betrayal was something she could not get over. It destroyed her trust in the world. She longed for some form of control, and she received it. She never imagined her control would take control of her.